The gaps your mean spirit
and lack of nurture left in me
burned a deep desire across my heart;
I would create the family you couldn’t.
I would build the love you never gave me
What I couldn’t see,
in my flawed child’s logic;
What I couldn’t know,
without creating examples,
was that some holes are not mine to fill.
It was your job
to give me the basic building materials
and you let me down-
all the way down,
raised at rock bottom.
(Aren’t homonyms fun? I could say that you razed me,
rather than bringing me up.)
So there I was,
a partial human, convinced I could do your job for myself,
as sort of an afterthought,
like a brick house
with white aluminum sided additions;
I can tack on all the rooms I want,
but the ones you built will forever be empty.
And then there was this infant,
this glowing orb of soul
coated in the finest layer of flesh
and golden hair.
This ill gotten treasure
I thought I could stuff into the cracks, and it was then that I knew.
The rooms were not empty.
They were full of dark water,
murky with your filth
and floating debris
would make me forever insufficient
at achieving my deepest goal-
I am the masthead of this new family ship
and what a gnarled and awkward interpretation of beauty
My ability to love
and be loved
is shrouded in your shadows
and though I can work,
burn my heart
to cast light in all the dim spaces,
that darkness will always linger
Your mission of dominance is complete.
I can never have what I wanted.
There is a tribe,
and beyond my wildest dreams
but what I didn’t know
was how hard I would have to hold the wheel
to correct for your imbalance
and that I can’t,
for one moment,
likewise I mustn’t over correct,
which is my most frequent mistake, and then
we find ourselves careening towards the shoulder
as I seek again, to find the middle.
I thought there was a time when I would move past you
as though you never existed.
Now I see the truth
You will always be here.
I am formed of the same clay as you
and the best I can do
is stoke the smouldering hatred I have for your horrible spirit
that the flames may burn bright
over the lives I seek to protect.
I am better than you
can ever take credit for.
I am not yours.
I live with your failure,
as do you,
but I will not live with your shade.